You know what's great about LinkedIn? Absolutely nothing. But you know what's hilarious? The predictable nonsense that recruiting "thought leaders" post every single day like they've discovered fire.

So we made a drinking game. LinkedIn Influencer Bingo. Every time you see one of these posts, take a shot. (Don't actually do this. You'll be dead by lunch.)

The Bingo Card

FREE SPACE: Someone starts a post with "Unpopular opinion:" before sharing the most popular opinion imaginable. "Unpopular opinion: companies should pay people fairly." WOW, SO BRAVE.

Top Row:

• "I got fired and it was the best thing that ever happened" (they were actually laid off with severance)
• A 47-part story about how rejection builds character (they got one job offer declined)
• "Your network is your net worth" posted by someone who got their job through their dad
• Humblebragging disguised as gratitude: "So blessed to announce my promotion to Senior Vice President of Vibes"
• A screenshot of an "inspiring" exchange that definitely happened exactly as described

Middle Row:

• "Culture eats strategy for breakfast" (nobody knows what this means, they just keep saying it)
• Someone reposting a 3-year-old meme with "This is important"
• A poll asking "What matters more: salary or culture?" (it's salary, it's always been salary)
• "I interviewed 500 candidates and here's what I learned" (they learned nothing, it's generic advice)

Bottom Row:

• A post about how Gen Z is "different" (they're not, they just want to be paid)
• "Stop writing cover letters" followed by "Actually, DO write cover letters" by the same person two weeks later
• Someone dunking on ATS systems while simultaneously selling ATS consulting services
• A completely made-up scenario formatted as a conversation: "Candidate: But I need more money. Me: Money isn't everything. Candidate: starts crying You're so right."
• "If you're not hiring for potential, you're doing it wrong" posted by someone who requires 10 years of experience for entry-level roles

How Long It Took to Fill the Card

12 minutes. TWELVE. MINUTES.

We scrolled LinkedIn for 12 minutes and got a complete blackout. If this were an actual drinking game, we'd be in the hospital getting our stomach pumped while a disappointed doctor asked us why we hate ourselves.

The Worst Offenders

The Humble Brag King: "I'm so grateful that after being rejected by 73 companies, I finally got 15 job offers and had to turn down 14 of them. Stay humble, friends! 🙏"

Translation: "Please validate me. I need you to know I'm desirable."

The Fake Conversation Creator: "HR: We can't find talent! Me: Did you try paying market rate? HR: vanishes into thin air"

This did not happen. Nobody vanished. You just made up a scenario where you're the hero because engagement algorithms reward conflict.

The LinkedIn Poet: "They said no. I said yes. To myself. And that changed everything. Agree?"

No, I don't agree. This is not profound. This is five random sentences with line breaks. You're not Rupi Kaur, you're a recruiter in Akron.

The Personal Brand Guru: "I see a lot of people struggling to build their personal brand. Here are my 17 secrets to LinkedIn success!"

Proceeds to share the same advice available in 4,000 other posts: post consistently, engage with comments, use hashtags.

REVOLUTIONARY. Someone get this person a TED Talk.

Why This Matters (But Also Doesn't)

Look, we get it. LinkedIn is where recruiting happens now. You kind of have to be there. But the performative nonsense has reached levels that would make even the most shameless Instagram influencer blush.

Everyone's trying so hard to go viral, build their personal brand, and position themselves as a thought leader that they've forgotten to just... be normal humans sharing useful information.

The irony? The most valuable LinkedIn content is boring and specific. "Here's what worked when I recruited for this niche role" is infinitely more useful than "I cried in my car and it taught me about leadership."

The Real Lesson

If you want to stand out on LinkedIn, stop trying to go viral and start being genuinely helpful. Share actual salary data. Post real job openings without making people DM you for details. Give specific advice for specific situations.

Because right now, LinkedIn recruiting content is 90% inspirational theater and 10% actual useful information. And we're all drowning in motivational quotes when what we actually need is someone to tell us how to fix our broken ATS integration.

Be the change. Or don't. Just please, for the love of everything, stop starting posts with "I'm going to say something controversial" before sharing the most basic, universally-accepted take imaginable.

We're begging you.