Listen, recruiting would be easy if candidates were normal, qualified people who answered questions honestly and showed up on time. But that's not the world we live in. Instead, we live in a world where people show up 20 minutes late to video interviews and then act confused about why they're not getting hired.

After conducting approximately 500 interviews (send help), I've identified seven distinct candidate archetypes. See if you recognize any of these characters.

Type 1: The Ghost

This candidate aces the phone screen. They're perfect on paper. They're enthusiastic about the role. You schedule the next interview and... nothing. They vanish into the ether like they were raptured mid-recruiting-process.

You send follow-ups. You call. You check LinkedIn to make sure they're not dead. Nothing. Then six weeks later, they respond with "Hey sorry, is that role still open?"

No, Jessica. No it is not.

How to handle them: Accept that ghosting is now a professional norm apparently. Schedule backup interviews. Cry a little.

Type 2: The Over-Sharer

You ask this person "Tell me about yourself" and 45 minutes later they're explaining their childhood trauma, their ex's betrayal, and why they can't eat dairy anymore. You didn't ask. You don't care. But now you know WAY too much about their digestive issues.

Every interview question becomes a therapy session. "Why are you interested in this role?" turns into a 15-minute story about their toxic former boss, complete with voice impressions and dramatic reenactments.

How to handle them: Master the art of the polite interruption. "That's fascinating, but let me redirect to the specific question..."

Type 3: The LinkedIn Liar

Their resume says they were "Head of Growth" at a Fortune 500 company. In the interview, you discover they were an intern for three months who once got to sit in on a growth strategy meeting.

Every accomplishment is inflated to absurd proportions. They "led a team" (they CC'd people on emails). They "drove revenue growth" (they sent one successful sales email). They're fluent in five languages (they took Spanish 1 in high school).

How to handle them: Ask specific, detailed follow-up questions. Watch them crumble. Feel briefly powerful, then sad.

Type 4: The "Just Checking Out Options" Person

They have a job. They like their job. They're not actually interested in leaving their job. They're just interviewing for... fun? Leverage? To see what they could get if they wanted?

They'll tell you this—usually in the final interview after you've invested hours of time. "Yeah, I'm pretty happy where I am, but I figured I'd see what else is out there!"

Cool. COOL. That's a great use of everyone's time.

How to handle them: Screen for genuine interest early. Ask directly: "What would need to be true about this opportunity for you to actually accept an offer?"

Type 5: The "I'll Take Anything" Desperado

This person applied to 400 jobs this month. They have no idea what your company does. They cannot explain why they want this particular role because they don't—they just need any job.

When you ask about their career goals, you get vague platitudes. "I just really want to contribute to a growing company and leverage my skills in a dynamic environment."

That's not an answer. That's a Mad Lib.

How to handle them: Look for specific interest in your company/role vs. generic desperation. It's fine to be unemployed and need a job, but they should still know something about what they're applying for.

Type 6: The Overqualified Person Who'll Leave in 6 Months

Former VP of Marketing applying for a coordinator role. Ex-Director of Engineering going for a mid-level individual contributor position. They're clearly overqualified, but they swear they're "really looking to get back to hands-on work" and "don't need the title."

You hire them. They leave in four months because they're bored. Shocking.

How to handle them: Take flight risk seriously. Ask detailed questions about why they're willing to step down. Most won't be honest, but some will, and you can avoid a costly hiring mistake.

Type 7: The Perfect Candidate Who Wants 40% More Than Your Budget

This person is PERFECT. They have every skill. Their experience is exactly what you need. The chemistry is there. They're professional, personable, and prepared. You're already imagining them on the team.

Then they ask about salary expectations and it's so far above your budget that you wonder if you're even in the same industry.

You try to negotiate. You emphasize the benefits, the culture, the growth opportunities. They politely decline because—and here's the thing—they know their worth and you can't afford them.

How to handle them: Discuss salary ranges early in the process to avoid falling in love with someone you can't hire. It saves everyone time and heartbreak.

The Real Problem

Here's what nobody wants to admit: hiring is broken because both sides are playing games. Candidates embellish resumes and pretend to be interested when they're not. Companies write misleading job descriptions and lowball offers.

Everyone's lying to everyone, and then we all act surprised when it doesn't work out.

The solution is radical honesty, but neither side wants to go first because vulnerability feels like weakness in a negotiation.

So instead we'll keep doing this dance where candidates pretend to be perfect and companies pretend jobs are amazing, and both sides will remain mildly disappointed with the outcome.

Fun!